Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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