this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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