She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
