someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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