I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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