I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
