I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
