Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
