watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
