ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
