he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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