I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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