I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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