I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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