Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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