I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I need moral support for this bender
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
