Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
