if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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