Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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