oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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