Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
