Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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