the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
