Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
