if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
