I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
