i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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