then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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