I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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