I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
