i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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