just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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