Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
