you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
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That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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