I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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