No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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