im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
