I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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