Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
