What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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