remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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