i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
