Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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