Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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