anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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