I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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