It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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