Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
