By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
