Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
