My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
