I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
