id be glad to
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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