I cockslap morals
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
