The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
