Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
