So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
