He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
